Wow that's a big slide and I'm going to go down it! I said
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" I went down the big slide because it was so fun I went on it again and again!
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" I went down the big slide because it was so fun I went on it again and again!
Every time I went down the slide I always canon balled into the colorful balls The balls were as bright as the sun I always said.
Then it was time to go home and in the car I got sick from going down the slide to many times!
And that was the end of going to that slide!
The End
This is my draft piece of writing please make a comment and tell me what I need to work on!
And that was the end of going to that slide!
The End
This is my draft piece of writing please make a comment and tell me what I need to work on!
Hi Katie
ReplyDeleteI like the similes you have used like "the ball was as bright as the sun". Very descriptive. Maybe you could use more similies?
Just check if you are writng in 1st person (I) or 3rd person (the boy) because you used both in the first part of your writing.
Can you edit your writing for me and check this?
Mrs Natusch
To Mrs Natusch!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the nice feedback!
I have changed the the things that in red and changed things to make sense!
so bye for now!
From Katie
:)
Hi Katie,
ReplyDeleteI love the story but why is there things high lighted in red?
What I think you need to work on is having more description in between the words being said.
From your room 14 buddy (Alannah)
Hi Alannah.
DeleteThanks for your lovely comment.
The bits that are highlighted in red is what I have changed.
From Katie
Dear Katie
ReplyDeleteI liked how you made your writing interesting. Everyone would love to read that. Didn't he know that he was going to get sick?
From Leah
Hi Leah
ReplyDeleteThank you form your wonerful comment.
No he did not know he was going to get sick.
from Katie